May 29, 2014
May Anne Gorion and Viennalyn Jane San Juan
Two of the Most Important Persons in My Life
Here in My Heart (Yes, this is how cheesy as it gets)
I’m writing this because I have so many feelings from our “despedida” coffee + cake + conversation earlier. A part of me wants to continue this convo that we had and haul you into my room for an overnighter. Alas, it can’t be. Vienna has a TR for the night, Meme has to take care of her CavSu papers/business et.al and I still have to go to work tomorrow. Times have indeed changed. We can’t just ditch our classes like we used to. We have different sets of priorities now and we’ll probably have less time for each other. That is why, I really appreciate it that we have made time for each other today. Thank you for being there. Thank you for pushing it. Thank you for putting a high premium on this relationship.
Actually, I want to thank you for a lot of things: For being there when I’m sick and stranded (even when I’m pretending to be sick- thank you for tolerating it/covering it up for me at times). For being my wingman/parent/brodah/devil’s advocate when situation calls for it. And most importantly, for showing me the world in another perspective…in lots of perspectives, actually. I don’t think I’ll be the person that I am right now if not for the two of you. I don’t think I’ll grow my hair this long or I’ll ever have the guts to go to a high school reunion party (and pull enough courage to talk to the guy that I liked for so many years) if not for your support. I also don’t think I’ll have the motivation to try to find love again and to leave many dysfunctional relationships behind if not for your lives. My thank you’s are not enough, actually. I don’t know any other words to express how much grateful I am for your existence.
I am rereading Kundera [again] and I’ve come across his musing on Nietzsche’s idea of eternal return. Examining it, he concludes that Nietzsche’s idea would render events that happened only once as nothing, bearing no weight at all no matter how beautiful or sublime it is. On the contrary, things that happen again and again bears weight and becomes a burden for mankind. That is why history is given importance (because it repeats itself) and we consider the people who we passed only once, as something that is trivial. But in the latter chapters, Kundera asks- if people try to assign opposite attributes to pairs, what is deplorable and what is splendid? Heaviness? Lightness? What shall we choose?
Connecting these questions into our lives, what are we? Do we recur or are we the-only-once-in-this-lifetime type of friends/people? What is more ideal, more apt to describe this friendship that we have?
I still don’t have a sure answer for that. As for now, I like to tread the gray area and conclude that we are both- lightness and weight. Just like how Meme’s love returned to her through Vincent, this friendship that we share will recur and will return to us, only in a different face. And with that, I am grateful because you showed me how friendship is like. However, a part of me is still torn because…I don’t know. It’s still different in a way. I cannot imagine myself having this kind of relationship that we have with our other [future] friends. There is something (a 1%) that stays inside the two of you that when you leave out of my life, I know that it will not return to me in the exact way again. And this is not the clingy me talking. In my heart of hearts, I know that will not be this same person without the two of you.
I’m sorry for my messed up understanding of philosophy and for not making any sense at all. But yeah, I know we’ve been through that already. And thanks for hearing me out, despite my inconsistencies, incapacities and dramas. Just a few stuff that I would like to say to [both of] you (in no particular order):
- Thanks for picking me up when I was helpless and stranded. You were the only persons who did. Now that I think of it, I’ve met many people who respond in times of need. But they are the types who respond when it’s kind of convenient to them. You are the only persons I know of who would brave a storm just to rescue a friend. Thank you.
- Thank you for teaching me that love is not passive. That it is not as rosy and ideal as it seems. That it fights, it gets angry (but it overlooks and arrives at compromises) and that at times, it also admits defeat. I still haven’t found THE ONE yet, but thank you for believing that I still have a hope in this field. SOMEDAY.
- Thank you for understanding my Stockholm syndrome with Jason. You know how much I am tormented with my high school shits- and how much I am making a big deal out of it. I also know that at times, you get tired from hearing it. But thank you for lending an ear anyway. And for being my devil’s advocate when I need a whack in the head and a serious reality check.
- I’m sorry for not giving you gifts. I’m still broke. Thank you for overlooking all our debts to each other (when we can help it). And for being patient when we collect it. BEST FRIENDSHIP EVER. J
- For the sex tips and sexploits- I’ve learned a lot from you guys. Looking forward to practice it in the future. Please buy my first pregtestkit (KIDDING (but you know what they say about jokes)).
- I don’t think there is a need to reaffirm this, but YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL. Not even Pau’s beauty could rival to yours, I swear. And that’s saying something.
- Maan is still the most beautiful in my eyes. Don’t contest over that.
- Since we will not be seeing each other for a long time, the super attentive nice guy I’m talking about is actually- shit, should I really confess this?– a barista. Shame he’s not on duty when we were there. And aside from the many other reasons why I’m having second thoughts on him, I’m actually quite unsure if he’s nice because he’s paid for being nice. But god, how he notices the little details that either annoy or gratify me. You know that I have a thing for SUPER kindness. Well, he’s the one who pulled the strings just for me to print my resume on time. He’s the one who recommended to try the drink that we had awhile ago. And he has puppy eyes- Ian-like, puppy eyes. ANYWAY, I’m leaving Ortigas so there’s no reason for me not to hold back this piece of information from the all-knowing eye of the internet. I’m doomed.
- I love you
- I love you
- I love you
- I will never stop nor be shy to say how much I love the both of you because really, I do. I love you more than what the English language could supply for the word “love” because that’s how I really think and feel.
- Writing to you because we will not be seeing each other for quite a long time is just an excuse. Heck, we know better than to put this relationship into the hands of Fate (c.f. Invictus). Let’s go camping together. Finish that darn checklist. Add more to that. Stargaze while lying in the trunk of a pick-up. I know that you will not be like my other botched friendships in high school because we’ve fought for each other. A lot of times.
- See ya.
I love you,
Hannah Riesa/Harie/Hannah Abangan
Your Forever Abanger Friend
Even in the Parallel Universes
P.S. I really appreciated the Kebabers stunt. I guess that sealed what I feel for the two of you.